Having been very recently roundly trounced by both Cupid and his arrow, I have mostly spent this month wondering where, why, how, and when(?) is the right time for me to become involved in a reciprocal, stable, and fun relationship. And where exactly did I go wrong?
Could it have been....
1- Using a dating website : frequently, this can be a tool to meet, woo, and eventually capture a partner. It can almost be used as a pre-date date. You can browse the ones you like, the ones you dont, and the ones you would consider dusting for prints two blocks from a murder in a crack-den. Then you can email each other at your own leisure, without the awkward ad-lib panic a phone call might afford you. And ocassionally it might even actually lead somewhere. So whats the drawback?
It. Isnt. Real. Life. The problem with meeting someone in this way, is an email cant replicate a persons awkwardness, or enable the recipient the would be beads of sweat that follow each horrendous attempt at engaging the co-dater in a conversation that goes further than her hair dressing course. Using a dating website is like being told youre on your way to a certain doom , only,as youve already sort of had a 'bit' of time together online, you know more about this particular doom than anyone who ever took part in the building of the Bridge over the River Kwai. Its like ordering blowfish, than being shown the poison being extracted.
Seriously, if you want to find true love... well.. there are bars for that kind of thing.
2-Allowing the woman to call the shots from day one. In previous experiences, women just pure and simple cant make a decision to save their life, particularly if the decision was indeed between Life or, I dont know, say, Death.
One thing Ive learned. TAKE. THE. LEAD. As if your life depended on it. Never for one flame-haired second assume that women are attracted to a bloke who just appears to do whatever she wants to do. This also applies to bedroom antics. Seriously, paw your woman. Try it on with her. In fact, I would possibly even go as far as to say she would rather drink a seductive cocktail
of vodka and rufies than settle for a night of cuddling. Again.
Dont worry if you think your chest is smoother than Ross Kemp's bonce, or you have fatty deposits just above the belt line. GET OVER IT. You want that girl? Take her. Shes chosen you.
Because theres a pretty darn good chance she will shortly get fed up, and move onto someone else (possible in her new sales job, say) , more confident and able than yourself who wont just want to talk about feelings all the time.
WHICH BRINGS ME NICELY ON TO MY NEXT POINT.
3- Becoming a 'best friend'. A wise person once said (and Im pretty sure it wasnt Confuscious), ' I want my best friend and my boyfriend to be separate.
Confused?
Yeah, me too.
This basically comes down to the fact, if you ever get to the stage within your new found relationship, where you are positive you can tell your partner whatever is on your mind, that she only wants you for man duties. Not he-bitch, emotional to-ing and fro-ing, if-ing and am-ing, hugs and tears. Shes got best friends for that shit. She needs you to man-up, take control, and never look back. All that new man bullshit? Well, thats exactly what it is. Write poetry? Bare your soul in a note? Tell her how special she is to you by arranging your Cheerios in a romantic manner (though Im not entirely sure how that works)?
Forget about it.
She would sooner thank you for maybe drowning a puppy, or starting a racially charged fight. Or phoning every elderly relative you have and telling them what a shrivelled up old Nazi they are. Women are fickle creatures. Cold. Heartless. And often monotone. Im not sure theyre actually interested unless theres a good chance you will beat them or cheat on them.
4- Admitting to doubts. This is a huge big no. And if youve made it through the first few points, then you
re already far more accomplished a violinist than I (insert quip involving strings, strung, strung along, get it?). Im one of those (pussies) who seems to let his emotions often get the better of him. And also, makes a point of vocalising them.
Like this one time, I was feeling a bit down, and I suppose, in hindsight I could probably have done some Yoga, shot some guns, and gotten over it.
What'd I actually do though? I gave her the chance to up and leave. Me, stupidly, thinking I was doing the big and best decent thing, letting someone that I had truly come to love, go. I didnt want to (but yeah I can see how it looked).
In fact, it helped noone. My mood improved by tea time, and by midnight I was sending out the loving text messages.
Damage undone?
No. Not likely.
Because your doubt, whether it stems from the constant bullshit going around your head, or actual problems with the relationship itself, soon becomes her doubt. Those few months you spent wooing her, making her feel like the most special person in your entire world.. well... you can just about kiss them good bye. Its down hill from there.
Its not like the films, women rarely fall in love the minute you breathe on them, and it doesnt mater how much garlic you have or havent eaten. It takes time, nurturing, trust and alot of bad impressions (Mainly of Zippy from Rainbow) to get their guard down just long enough to show feelings towards them. And it can be snuffed out, in a 10 minute, lunchtime phone call.
Dont say I never told you. It doesnt matter how many flawless months youve had. This can really not go in your favour. Quite understandably.
5- Assuming that you are important enough for just a bit of effort. Yeah, this one is tricky. If both members in this thing we call coupledom are comfortable enough around each other to have gotten themselves into a near routine, particularly if there is some physical distance involved, than it can be frustrating when routine is broken. Spontaenaity is the key.
Saying that, theyre not always right about these things.
Routine implies seriousness, and who wants that in the first few months of a new thing? It doesnt matter whats been said between the two of you. You might be dumb enough to actually believe she knew what she was doing when she said she loved you. And then from that moment on, love might be followed by patience, understanding.
Sometimes yes. Mostly no.
6- Never, EVER say what you are actually thinking/feeling. Im pretty sure they hate that. Like sunlight.
Oh wait, thats vampires, right?
Relationships. They should really be called relationshits. Or 'ships' that
noone goes down on.
