TWAT OF THE WEEK #1: Father Christmas

DISCLAIMER: Adam wishes to make it very clear that this week's choice is in no way based on any religious affiliation or dislike for Yuletide. All opinions are nothing more than simply that. This week's subject is quite likely a cracking bloke.

This is a tricky one. Mr Christmas has not been a part of any direct misconduct towards myself, or any member of my family (though there was that one year that a letter I had drafted to the man in question caused considerable chimney damage when I sent it, due to the amount of liquid correctional fluid applied).
Sadly, in keeping with the festive spirit (and this is as festive as I shall be getting), I have chosen he who symbolises this holiday (him and JC, of course) as the focus for my very first 'TWAT OF THE WEEK'. He must be stopped.

REASONS

• The use of various names over the years. Saint Nicholas. Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Papa Nowell. Why the numerous monikers? What is he hiding? Or is he under some kind of witness protection programme for threatening to squeal on the Easter Bunny's 'love egg' misdemeanour? Either way, can we trust him?
  
• The claim to deliver presents across the land all in one night, operating with a devil may care disregard for time zones and air traffic. Impossible? Yes. Smug tosser? Most definitely.
• Centuries old, yet has successfully cornered the youth market where John McCain failed, even in such contemporary times where an elderly eccentric with a fondness for children is generally treated with the disdain of a paedophile. But then again... hides out in the furthermost regions of the North Pole all year round, making toys, with his 'helpers'...
• Possibly entirely and soulfully responsible for the Credit Crunch as we know it. Constant pressure put upon parents by their offspring for the latest must-have item. Mr Christmas makes promises he can't keep and ultimately flakes under demands. Parents sign up for credit cards, loans, second mortgages, all because the old man couldn't deliver. Case in point: Buzz Lightyear.
  
• Insistence on using a list to determine the behavioural schematics of the children. Im assuming its just a bog standard pros and cons style itemisation. No electronic database, spreadsheets, digital tagging system. Oh, and he only fucking checks it twice. So no back-up. Im still waiting on a sodding Soda Stream and I know why as well.
  
• Coca-Cola sponsorship. So he's a sell-out too. Ive seen it a billion times. Good guy starts off with good intentions. Then the advertising deals roll in. Merchandising. Christmas spin-off single. Anything to make a buck, yet still persists in being pulled around by reindeer.
• Makes it seem alright to be a little bit on the plump side, despite everything Jamie Oliver, Sportacus, most of my secondary school year group, and Jade Goody have done to heal obesity.
  

Though admittedly it feels a bit wrong to be having a pop at a fella who is just trying to bring a big of joy into this increasingly bleak wasteland, but if you can't say it as Christmas, when can you say it, eh?

NEXT WEEK: Mother Teresa of Calcutta.